CU: A MODERN-LOOKING CHRISTMAS BOOK ENTITLED: ELF
A Christmas book entitled "ELF" sits on a table, a drawing of 6’2" BUDDY THE ELF (the guy we’ve seen from all the trailers and posters) is on the cover.
We push in on the book and it magically flips open to the first page: a drawing of small Papa Elf in his wonderful work shop.
INT. PAPA ELF’S WORKSHOP - NORTH POLE - DAY
PULL OUT FROM THE BOOK TO REVEAL
The real life Elf and Workshop of the drawing we have just seen. PAPA ELF, 540 years old or roughly 55 in human years, is surrounded by scores of strange and specific tools and some scattered half-built toys.
PAPA ELF
So you’re here for the story? Okay. Just let me wet my whistle.
He pours himself a shot of milk in a snow-flake shot glass and downs it.
PAPA ELF
(like it’s liquor)
Whoo! That’s strong! Must be two percent! Elves love to tell stories, you probably didn’t know that, did you? Well, there’s a lot of things about us that people don’t know. For instance, we can’t tell a lie. It’s physiologically impossible. Here’s another interesting Elf-ism: There are three jobs available to an Elf. You can make shoes at night while an old cobbler sleeps...but it’s not exactly the most rewarding work.
QUICK CUT AWAY TO
Two ELVES hammering away at a pile of shoes as a fat shoemaker sleeps with a copy of "Hot Cobbler" magazine on his chest, a busty cobbler lady on the cover.
DISGRUNTLED COBBLER ELF
Lazy bastard couldn’t even make a flip-flop...
EXT. ELF TREE - DAY
The exterior of a tree, we hear cooking going on inside.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
...you can bake cookies in a tree. But it’s dangerous having an oven in an oak during dry season...
We hear a yelp and now a siren rings and then the TREE BURSTS INTO FLAMES, ELVES SCURRYING OUT.
INT. PAPA ELF’S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
PAPA ELF
But the third job. Well, the third job makes being an Elf worthwhile. Some call it "the show" or the "big dance". It’s the profession every Elf aspires to. And that’s to build toys in Santa’s workshop.
CUT TO:
A TRACKING SHOT OF SANTA’S WORKSHOP
The CAMERA whips by a crowd of bustling elves building dolls, toy horses, action figures, squirt guns...everything. There’s even a row of X-boxes being assembled.
PAPA ELF
It’s a job only an Elf can do. Our nimble fingers, natural cheer and active minds are perfect for toy building. They’ve tried using Gnomes or Trolls but the Gnomes drank too much and the Trolls weren’t toilet trained.
CUT AWAY:
1) A drunk GNOME, stein in hand, vomiting below the table. 2) A TROLL wearing a diaper is chewed out by an Elf cleaning up the floor.
PAPA ELF
And no human could ever do this work. Their hands are too big and they tend to get testy when over worked. In fact, no human has ever set foot in Santa’s workshop. That is until about thirty years ago. And in case you haven’t guessed it, that’s our story. It was back in 1968. A particularly successful Christmas...
INT. ORPHANAGE - NIGHT
A Christmas tree flickers. A nurse changes a giggling ten month-old BABY’s diaper.
NURSE
You’re quite a giggler, aren’t you?
(lying him down)
Well, it’s time for night-night.
She tucks the baby in and exits.
NURSE
(as she leaves)
Merry Christmas, my angel.
CLOSE ON
The Rocking Crib. The BABY rises, giggling. His eyes light up as he stands, holding the gate of the crib.
Santa’s black boots drop in from the chimney. The baby shakes the gate. Quickly, Santa moves to the Christmas tree, where he lays out presents. There is an OFF-SCREEN CLANG! Santa LOOKS UP and sees the empty crib. The gate is down:
BABY’S POV
He gleefully skitters across the floor towards a large, fuzzy teddy bear in SANTA’S BIG RED BAG.
FADE TO:
INT. SANTA’S WORKSHOP
A bevy of ELVES with slightly larger 60’s Elf collars and sideburns celebrate another successful Christmas. Several elves start CHANTING for a speech. SANTA, seated in his rocker, stands to applause. Merrily, he gestures for quiet.
SANTA
Alright, alright...Well, we’ve had another successful year. Prancer was able to control his bladder over Baltimore, and we didn’t forget Delaware...
A party HORN blows. LAUGHTER. Santa cheerfully pats down with his hands for quiet.
SANTA
And now after a lot of hard work it’s time for a vacation, starting now!
Santa looks at his watch as five seconds click off. The elves all rest their heads on their elbows.
SANTA
Alright! Vacation’s over! Back to work! Time to start preparations for next Christmas.
The elves cheer and get back to work. When an OFF-SCREEN COOING is heard.
SANTA
What in the name of Sam Hill...?
More COOING. Perplexed, Santa looks down to his bag just as a human baby, dressed only in a diaper, crawls out and smiles.
Silence. The elves stare in awe at the strange visitor. An ELF looks on the back of his diaper and sees the brand name "Little Buddy Diapers".
ELF TWIN #2
It’s name is Buddy. He must’ve...
ELF TWIN #1
...snuck into your sack at the orphanage. What do we do, Santa?
Santa looks befuddled.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
Santa had a decision to make. But fortunately when it comes to babies, Santa’s a push over. So Buddy would stay with an older Elf who had always wanted a child, but had been so committed to building toys, he had forgotten to settle down. Yes, Buddy was raised by me, his adopted father. My, how I love that boy.
MONTAGE: BUDDY GROWING UP AS AN ELF
A giant baby is wedged into an extra-tiny crib.
Super 8 home movie of Papa Elf holding a two-year old baby that is almost as big as he is.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
Tough Buddy grew twice as fast, he wasn’t any different from the other little elves. I mean, not really...
Video Footage: of 7-year old Buddy riding a really small tricycle around in circles at a birthday party with a laughing Elf child on his back and another Elf under his arm.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
And though it is against the Code of Elves to lie, all agreed that until Buddy asked us, no one was going to bring up the fact that he was actually a human being.
A series of Polaroid photos showing Buddy, 12, dunking a basketball over three elves.
Buddy in Elf school, wedged in a tiny desk. The ELF TEACHER is pointing to the black board where "THE CODE OF ELVES" is written.
ELF TEACHER
And before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let’s recite the Code of the Elves, shall we? Number one?
ELF STUDENTS
TREAT EVERY DAY LIKE CHRISTMAS!
ELF TEACHER
Number two?
ELF STUDENTS
THERE’S ROOM FOR EVERYONE ON THE NICE LIST!
ELF TEACHER
Number three?
We push in on Buddy as he recites...
BUDDY & EVERYONE
THE BEST WAY TO SPREAD CHRISTMAS CHEER IS SINGING LOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR!
EXT. ELF HOCKEY POND - CURRENT DAY - DAY
An ANNOUNCER ELF is on a megahorn, doing play by play of an elf hockey team...
ANNOUNCER
(on megaphone)
Lum Lum across the line, feeds it to Foom Foom, behind the net, looking, feeds Blinky...Wait! Rimpo-correction, Wombo. I think...and - uh-oh! - here comes BUDDY!
QUICK CUTS
A smiling Buddy pounds tiny elves into the boards with brute force. The elves are helpless. Buddy finishes this off with a wicked slap-shot.
ANNOUNCER
(like an elf Pat Foley)
He SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORES! And it’s 14-zero with eleven minutes left in the first period.
INT. ELF LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Post game, Buddy’s in the locker room. Elves congratulate him and occasionally reach up to slap him on the butt.
POM POM
Good game, Buddy.
BUDDY
Thanks! Sorry about your shoulder, Pom Pom!
POM POM
No sweat. It’s just a collar bone!
They’re all tossing their jock straps in the bin. Little Elf jocks land, and then a HUGE ONE, proportionately the size of a large serving tray. It’s Buddy’s.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
But as much as Buddy was accepted by his friends and family, there were drawbacks to being a human in an elves’ world.
RAPID FIRE:
A dozen shots of Buddy slamming his face into doorways, beams, cabinets. These shots look shockingly painful.
BUDDY
Ow...jeez...yikes...golly...charles dickens! Sone of a nutcracker!
INT. PAPA ELF’S WORKSHOP - DAY
The FINALE: Buddy attempts to put a star on top of the semi-tall Elf Christmas tree.
But Buddy’s pointy Elf slipper gets hung up in an ornament.
The elves step back, preparing for the inevitable: Buddy panics, wiggles his leg and pulls the tree over on top of him, falling into the fire place and engulfing in flames.
Pom Pom sprays him with a mini-fire extinguisher.
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
And no where were Buddy’s differences more obvious than in Santa’s toy shop.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SANTA’S WORKSHOP - NORTH POLE - DAY
We see an assembly line of elves making Etch-a-sketches with wooden hammers. We pan finally to Buddy as an ELF SUPERVISOR APPROACHES.
BUDDY
Gee, I’m sorry, Ming-Ming. I’m gonna come in a little short on my quota today.
ELF SUPERVISOR
It’s okay, Buddy. How many Etcha-Sketches did you get finished?
Buddy is about to answer. But then his face winces up. FIGHTING BACK TEARS.
ELF SUPERVISOR
How many, Buddy? It’s okay, you can tell me.
Clearly tearing up now, Buddy sets his tiny wooden hammer to the side and reveals a box of his toys.
BUDDY
I only made...
(crying)
Eighty-five.
Eighty-five? He might as well have said zero. The elves all look at each other.
ELF SUPERVISOR
Oh, don’t worry about it Buddy. This is a great start! You’re only 915 off pace.
BUDDY
Oh, why don’t you just say it Ming Ming?! I’m the worst toy maker in the whole world! I’m a cotton-head ninny-muggins!
ELF SUPERVISOR
Oh, you’re not a cotton-head ninny muggins! We all have different talents, that’s all.
BUDDY
Actually, it seems like everyone has the same talents. Except for me.
ELF SUPERVISOR
That’s not true, you have lots of talents. Special talents. Like, uh...
Supervisor Elf looks around to the other Elves for back up. They try to chime in.
ELF #1
You changed the batteries in the fire alarm!
ELF #2
(absurdly positive)
You sure did! Triple A’s! And in six months, you’ll need to check ’em again! Won’t he!
(everyone agrees)
ELF #3
And you’re the only baritone in the Elf choir. Without you, we’d sound like a bunch of...I mean, you bring us down a whole octave!
ELF #1
In a good way!
ELF SUPERVISOR
See? You’re not a cotton-head ninny muggins. You’re Ex-traordinary!
BUDDY
Well, you know what? I’m sick of being extraordinary!
Upset, Buddy struggles to get his thighs out from under his desk, and now runs off, tagging his head on the door frame.
INT. PAPA’S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
Buddy storms into his tiny house. Papa Elf looks up from his work, surprised. Buddy can’t speak. He runs over and locks himself in the bathroom.
INT. ELF BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
This bathroom is ABSURDLY SMALL, Buddy squeezes in like Harry Houdini. The toilet is the size of a Big Gulp cup. Buddy sits on it and starts to sob. Washing his face in the tiny sink.
KNOCK KNOCK.
We INTERCUT with Papa Elf at the door.
PAPA ELF
Son? Are you okay?
BUDDY
Go away!
PAPA ELF
(shocked)
Buddy!
BUDDY
I’m sorry, papa. May I please have some Buddy time?
PAPA ELF
Open up, son. I think we need to talk.
The door finally creeks open, revealing a funny wide shot of him squeezed into this box of a room. He wiggles out. Still wiggling.
PAPA ELF
Come sit with your papa.
Papa sits on the couch, Buddy sits on Papa Elf’s knee. Papa winces.
PAPA ELF
Alright, let’s hear it.
BUDDY
Well, everyone knows you’re Santa’s Master Tinker. And Grandpapa was Master Tinker before you. And great Grandpapa before ye. I’m supposed to follow in your footsteps...but I’m always letting everyone down.
PAPA ELF
Well, there’s something I should probably tell you, Buddy. And it’s long over due...
(intense beat)
You see...um...
BUDDY
What is it, Papa?
Papa Elf looks into Buddy’s beautifully innocent eyes. He can’t bring himself to do it.
PAPA ELF
(changing the subject)
I need your help on something.
(adjusting Buddy’s weight)
Up up now, nice and -- ow, OW!... There we are.
Papa Elf leads Buddy through a door to reveal the most amazing sight Buddy has ever beheld.
SANTA’S SLEIGH
A GLOW emanates from the hand-rubbed, red-lacquered wood chassis, illuminating the entire room.
BUDDY
Wow. Santa’s sleigh!
(hesitates)
Can I touch it?
PAPA ELF
Touch it? You’re going to help me make it fly, Buddy.
BUDDY
I thought the magical reindeer made the sleigh fly.
PAPA ELF
And where do the reindeers get their magic from?
BUDDY
Christmas spirit. Everyone knows that.
PAPA ELF
Yes, but unfortunately, Christmas Spirit is becoming a very limited resource.
BUDDY
What do you mean?
PAPA ELF
(hard to break the news)
Well, Buddy, as silly as it sounds, there are a lot of people down South who don’t believe in Santa Claus.
BUDDY
(shocked)
What? Who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?
PAPA ELF
There’s a rumor floating around that parents are putting them there.
BUDDY
That’s ridiculous! There’s no way parents could do that all in one night! And what about Santa’s cookies!? I suppose parents eat them too?
PAPA ELF
I know...but every year less and less people are believing in Santa, and today we’ve got a real energy crisis on our hands. See how low the Claus-o-meter is?
We see a gauge on the instrument panel of the sleigh with CHRISTMAS SPIRIT LEVELS written and a needle resting in the DANGEROUSLY LOW red section.
PAPA ELF
That’s why I installed this little baby back in the sixties.
Papa pushes a RED BUTTON, causing a JET ENGINE to shudder with a high-pitched whir. Buddy is amazed.
BUDDY
Oh my Gosh!
PAPA ELF
Watch the language son.
BUDDY
Forgive me, Papa. What’s that?
PAPA ELF
A Viper turbojet with 358 cubic meters of displacement, high volume air intake and customized spark timing.
(off Buddy’s look)
I know, it’s a little less magical, but everyone’s still getting their wish, that’s the important thing, right?
(around him)
Listen, the motor mounts are giving me some wiggle. Do you want to give the ol’ man a hand?
BUDDY
(coming around)
Do I?!
And just like that, father and son hunker down and tinker together.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SANTA’S WORKSHOP - TOY TESTING - THE NEXT DAY
We push past a tiny door marked TESTING. Elves everywhere are testing toys. Buddy stands in front of a conveyor belt pushing Jack in the Boxes past him. He turns the crank producing the ’POP GOES THE WEASEL’ tune and a puppet pops out scaring him every time. POP!
BUDDY
Ahh!
Another one: POP!
BUDDY
UHHHH!
This one doesn’t pop for a beat and then: POP!
BUDDY
(biggest one yet)
AHHHH!!
(to supervisor)
I’m going to take five, okay Krumpet?
KRUMPET
Okay!
We follow Buddy as he approaches an Elf kitchenette. But before he enters, he stops, over-hearing a few Elves drinking cider and talking behind his back.
FOOM FOOM
...and that EX-traordinary bit! That was quick thinking.
ELF SUPERVISOR
Hey, I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn’t get wise.
FOOM FOOM
Hey, he’s believed he was a real Elf for this long, hasn’t he?
WE SLAM INTO A CLOSE UP OF BUDDY’S SHOCKED FACE
QUICK SERIES OF FLASHBACKS FROM BUDDY’S PAST flash before his eyes not unlike ’the sixth sense’.
AT THE SHOEMAKER: Buddy is painfully squeezing into new shoes.
IN BED: Buddy tosses and turns - three beds have been pushed together to make a human twin-sized bed.
IN THE ELF SHOWERS: Buddy is struggling to wash under a three-foot high shower head.
THE ELF CHOIR PHOTO: Only Buddy’s waist is visible, he’s cropped out.
An exact replay of those rapid-fire shots of Buddy slamming his head into doorways, beams, cabinets.
BUDDY
Ow...jeez...yikes...golly...charles...Dickens! Sone of a Nutcracker!
IN THE FACTORY: tinkering with a Ken Doll, Buddy moves the arms like his arms.
BACK ON BUDDY, queasy. His head spins as the CAMERA CIRCLES HIM. The room spins. Buddy’s knees go weak.
Pom Pom hurries over, concerned.
POM POM
You don’t look so good, Buddy. Are you okay?
Buddy tries to speak, but instead COLLAPSES RIGHT ON TOP OF POM POM, crushing him beneath his weight.
POM POM
(muffled under Buddy)
I’m okay, Buddy. Don’t worry about a thing. I’m warm.
INT. PAPA’S WORKSHOP - TEN MINUTES LATER
Buddy wakes up from his sleep to find himself in Papa’s workshop. FOCUS RACKS to Papa tending to his son.
BUDDY
Ooooooh. I had a terrible nightmare.
PAPA ELF
What is it, Buddy?
BUDDY
I dreamt I wasn’t an Elf at all. I was a human. Oh, it was awful. I’m not a human, am I Papa?
PAPA ELF
I knew this day would come. You see, Buddy, I love you and nothing can ever change that. But the fact is, it wasn’t a dream. You’re not like the rest of us.
BUDDY
You mean I’m not an Elf?
PAPA ELF
No, son, you’re a human being.
BUDDY
No wonder I’m always freezing!
PAPA ELF
We decided it was best to let you think you were one of us.
BUDDY
But I thought elves can’t lie.
PAPA ELF
We can’t. But Buddy, you never asked! I thought for sure when you cracked six feet it would come up.
BUDDY
(getting upset)
I thought I had a glandular problem.
PAPA ELF
Your glands are fine.
BUDDY
(emotional)
So, you’re not my Papa?
PAPA ELF
Oh, I’ll always be your Papa. It’s just you have another Papa, too. A biological Papa.
Papa Elf opens a drawer and shows Buddy a photo: a young couple are in love...
PAPA ELF (V.O.)
I then proceeded to tell Buddy of how his father had fallen in love when he was very young with a beautiful girl named Susan Welles, and how Buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother. And how she had later passed away. I told him his father had never even known Buddy was born. And most importantly, I told him where his Dad was: in a magical land called New York City.
Papa Elf puts a snow globe in front of Buddy showing the Empire State Building with a sign NEW YORK CITY.
BUDDY
Uhh! I feel confused and sweaty! I need some Buddy time!
Buddy runs off.
PAPA ELF
Buddy?! Buddy?!!
EXT. NORTH POLE - MINUTES LATER
Buddy runs and runs. He passes some ANIMATED ANIMALS, a RABBIT, a RACCOON and a SQUIRREL.
RACCOON
Hey, Buddy! Want to sing and pick snow berries?
BUDDY
Not now Pipsy!!
He passes by an ANIMATED SNOWMAN in the front yard of a toasty little cottage.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
(a faint whisper)
Oooohhh! Buddy...
BUDDY
Hi, Jim. What’s wrong?
JIM THE SNOWMAN
(very quietly)
Uh, ow. Sorry...my back’s out of line again. Do you mind cracking it for me again?
BUDDY
Sure, Jim.
Buddy comes from behind him, squeezes and then we hear a CRACK.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
(speaking at full volume)
Ohhh, thank you, Buddy. That’s soooo good. It’s from all the standing. They never build me sitting down. Hey? Why the long face?
BUDDY
Well, Jim. It seems I’m...I’m not an Elf.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
Of course you’re not. You’re six-three and had a beard when you were fifteen.
BUDDY
Papa says my real father is living in a magical place far away.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
At least you have a father. I was just rolled up one day. I never had anyone to play catch with. And even if I did. I only have sticks for arms.
BUDDY
I guess I am pretty lucky after all.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
I bet your dad would be so happy to see you, he’d hug you and never let go. I wish I had a dad to hug. And even if I did, I only have sticks for arms.
BUDDY
I understand about your arms, Jim.
JIM THE SNOWMAN
Well, you should do all the things I can’t. Go see him. Hug him. And play catch. And scratch your ass.
BUDDY
I will. I’m gonna go find my dad!
INT. SANTA’S WORKSHOP - THE NEXT DAY
A triumphant swell of music as Buddy walks through the workshop for the last time. Each Elf he passes says goodbye.
BUDDY
Bye Choo-choo! Bye Sunshine! Bye Tinkle Winkle! By Puffy! Bye Flade! Bye Gayle!
Santa steps into frame and puts his arm around Buddy.
SANTA
So I hear you’re going on a little journey to the big city?
BUDDY
Yeah, but I’m kind of nervous. Jim told me New York is really different.
SANTA
Don’t listen to Jim. He’s never been anywhere. He doesn’t even have any feet. I’ve been to New York thousands of times.
BUDDY
Wow. What’s it like?
SANTA
Well there’s some things you should know: first off, if you see gum on the street, leave it there. It’s not free candy. Second, there are like thirty Ray’s Pizzas and they all say they’re the original, but the real one’s on eleventh. And if you see a sign for a Peep show, it doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.
BUDDY
So much to remember...
SANTA
Don’t worry, something tells me this trip is going to be good for you.
(patting him on the back)
It’s time for my Buddy here to spread his wings.
BUDDY
I can’t wait! Me and Dad are gonna go ice-skating and eat sugarplums!
SANTA
That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You see, Buddy, your father... Well he’s on the naughty list.
FAST PUSH INTO:
The NAUGHTY LIST, landing on "Walter Hobbs."
BUDDY
NOOOOOO!!!!
SANTA
I’m sorry, but it’s true.
BUDDY
My stomach hurts. It feels like evil.
SANTA
Listen, Buddy, some people. They get mixed up about what’s important in life. But that doesn’t mean they can’t change. Maybe your dad just needs a little Christmas spirit!
BUDDY
I’m good at that!
SANTA
I know you are.
Papa Elf steps forward, trying to hide the fact that he’s tearing up. He and Buddy embrace.
PAPA ELF
I love you, Buddy. And I’ll always be here for you.
(crying)
Now go on, get!
BUDDY
(crying)
Yes, Papa.
(crying and skipping)
Bye guys. I’ll miss you. I really will.
EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT
Animals wave as Buddy heads off into the unknown.
ANIMALS
Bye, Buddy.
BUDDY
Bye lovable woodland animals!
EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT
Buddy sits on an ice flow. He drifts along the cold sea through a haze, transitioning from the MAGIC LAND of the north pole to the REAL WORLD.
EXT. SNOW FIELD - DAY
Buddy trudges through a massive snow field. Each step he takes goes down five feet deep, we DISSOLVE to a series of scenes showing this epic struggle. He wears a beard of ice.
Exhausted, Buddy considers leaving himself for dead, but uses his last ounce of strength to pull out the old PHOTO of his father, WALTER HOBBS.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GREENWAY PRESS - EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - MEANWHILE
A large children’s storybook publishing company. LARGE-SIZED book covers line the wall. "Max the Big Blue Cat", "The Adventures of Rabbit Gang & Pop", etc. This place runs like a well-oiled machine.
A huge corner office says ’WALTER HOBBS, EDITOR.’
INT. WALTER HOBBS’ OFFICE - DAY
Walter is the guy from Buddy’s picture, only he looks a little older and a little meaner.
A NUN stands in front of Walter’s large desk.
NUN
You’re taking the books back?
WALTER
Hey, you’re the one who’s behind on the payments, don’t try to make me out to be the bad guy here.
NUN
We’re trying to get yo the money, but it’s been difficult to raise the funding...the children are sponsoring another bake sale next month. That should help.
WALTER
See, there’s your problem. You can’t expect a bake sale to make solid cash these days. Places like Dunkin’ Donuts and Cinnibon are expanding their product base with alternative breakfast and desert items. Even Starbucks carries baked goods. You guys really need to start thinking out of the box.
(out window; to NYC)
It’s called capitalism, Miss Peters. If you can’t stand the heat, move to Canada.
NUN
(begging)
The kids really love the books.
WALTER
You don’t need to tell me that, I made them. I’m the one who ran the focus groups.
DEB, the secretary, pokes her head in.
DEB
Mr. Hobbs, your two o’clock is here.
WALTER
Would you please use the intercom? We talked about this.
DEB
Do you want me to use it now? I mean, I already told you.
Walter purposefully ignores her. Deb leaves frame and now we hear her on the intercom.
DEB (O.S.)
(from intercom)
Mr. Hobbs, your two o’clock is here.
WALTER
(hitting button)
Got it.
(to Nun, compassionate)
Tell you what, I know how much these books mean to your kids over there...
(beat)
I’ll give you a three-week extension.
NUN
(sarcastic)
Bless your heart.
WALTER
(too busy to hear)
If I were you, I’d stay away from perishable goods. Think consumer services. That’s hot right now.
EXT. CANADA - DAY
Buddy is half-way there. He’s now clearly in the real world. He walks through a choppy, muddy, snowy terrain past a rusted propane tank. A REAL LIVE RACCOON crosses his path. Buddy acts like it’s a cartoon.
BUDDY
Heyyyy. What’s your name? I’m Buddy!
Buddy corners the raccoon, trapping it. Trying to be nice. IT hisses like crazy. But Buddy is undeterred.
BUDDY
Sounds like someone needs a hug!
He lunges forward. Like lightning, the raccoon BITES Buddy in the face.
BUDDY
NUT CRACKERS!!!
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Buddy walks along the Highway, looks up, then stops in his tracks.
REVEAL: A sign that says NEW YORK CITY/LINCOLN TUNNEL. His eyes light up.
EXT. MANHATTAN - MORNING
We see Buddy timidly inch his way through the Lincoln Tunnel along the walkway, pressed up against the wall while traffic roars by. Like a stray cat, Buddy dodges through traffic. His feelings of wonder are starting to be replaced with fear. He exits to the sight of the towering skyline of New York City with the sun breaking over it. He sees the Empire State Building, then looks at his snow globe.
BUDDY
Whoa...
EXT. MID-TOWN MANHATTAN - LATER
Buddy is caught up in the rhythms of the street and begins noticing the mundane details of this new world with amazement: traffic lights. Steam. Scaffolding.
WIDE SHOT
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
Buddy attempts to greet a sea of people, but New Yorkers ignore the guy in the Elf suit.
BUDDY
Hi.
(no response; next person)
Happy afternoon!
(no response; next person)
Salutations!
-- A woman tries to hail A cab. Buddy waves back.
-- Buddy looks up at awe at the animated billboard on the Lehman Building. A guy bumps into him.
WALKER
Why don’t you watch your ass, buddy!
Buddy nods, then sticks his butt out and looks at it.
-- Buddy runs round and round A revolving door and loving every moment.
-- A sign at a crappy diner "World’s Best Cup of Coffee!" Buddy is excited and enters. The jaded BANGLADESHI STAFF stares at him blankly.
BUDDY
Wow! The world’s best cup of coffee! You did it! Congratulations! To all of you!
-- Gum on the ground. Yum!Buddy picks it up, plays with it, then pops it in his mouth and chews with A smile. Now his face suddenly changes.
-- Two guys are handing out different flyers. Buddy is given one. HE looks at it, then, in Marx Brothers-like fashion, hands it to flyer guy #2. Flyer guy #2 takes it, then gives Buddy one of his own flyers. This delights Buddy, who now repeats the ri
-- A dog walker picks up some dog crap with newspaper. Buddy sees some other crap on the sidewalk, grabs some newspaper and picks it up. Buddy walks right behind the man and offers it to him to be helpful.
REVEAL: Empire State Building!
Buddy holds up his Empire State Building SNOW GLOBE and compares the skyscraper to his toy one.
BUDDY
Dad...
INT. WALTER HOBBS’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
ECU: The PUPPY AND THE PIGEON book is in Walter’s hands. A PRINTER faces him.
WALTER
A re-print? Do you know how much that’s gonna cost?
PRINTER
Two whole pages are missing. The story makes no sense.
WALTER
You think a kid is going to notice two pages? All they do is look at the pictures.
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
Buddy gets in the elevator with a bunch of Republican-looking PEOPLE. He’s whistling really loud and happy, confusing them.
Another passenger gets on.
ACCOUNTANT
Can you press 67 please?
Unsure of what may happen, he pushes 67. The number LIGHTS UP.
BUDDY
Hey, that’s pretty.
Like lightning, he presses ALL 75 BUTTONS.
BUDDY
Look at that!
QUICK CUTS
The elevator doors open and close, floor by floor. No one is smiling, except for
Buddy.
INT. WALTER HOBBS’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Walter and the printer continue.
WALTER
How the hell did this happen, anyway?
PRINTER
Well, you signed off on all the final plates and...
WALTER
You know what? I don’t need to know. Let’s just get this solved.
INT. DEB’S DESK - CONTINUOUS
Deb stares dead pan at the Elf in front of her desk.
BUDDY
Buddy the Elf, here for a Mr. Walter Hobbs, please.
DEB
You look hilarious. Who sent you?
BUDDY
Papa Elf, from the North Pole.
DEB
Papa Elf? That’s rich.
INT. WALTER HOBBS’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Walter and the printer continue.
PRINTER
You really think we should ship them?
WALTER
(sarcastic)
No, I want to take a thirty-thousand dollar bath, so some kid understands what happened to a friggin’ Puppy and a Pigeon.
(beat)
Ship them!
DEB (O.S.)
(over intercom)
Mr. Hobbs, it’s me on the intercom.
WALTER
Go ahead.
DEB (O.S.)
I think someone sent you a Christmas-gram.
WALTER
A Christmas-gram? I don’t have time for a Christmas-gram.
Over Walter’s shoulder, we see Buddy step into frame behind him. Sensing this, Walter slowly turns around.
BUDDY
Dad?
Looking nervous and excited, he adjusts his hat and vest.
WALTER
Oh, um, alright. Let’s get this over with.
We see a small crowd of people have gathered by the door to watch the supposed singing telegram.
BUDDY
I walked all day and night to find you.
WALTER
(playing along)
Looks like you came from the North Pole.
BUDDY
That’s exactly where I came from. Santa must’ve called you.
WALTER
Yeah, I just got off my cell with him. So? Go on.
BUDDY
Go on with what?
WALTER
Are you gonna sing a song or can I get back to work?
BUDDY
A song? Anything for you, Dad. Let’s see...
(trying to make up a song)
I’M HERE WITH MY DAD. I’VE NEVER MET HIM AND HE WANTS ME TO SING A SONG. I WAS ADOPTED AND YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS BORN. BUT I’M HERE AND I LOVE YOU, DAD!!!
He hugs him.
WALTER
Wow. That’s weird. Usually you guys just put my name into a Jingle Bells or something.
BUDDY
It’s me, your son! Susan Welles had me and didn’t tell you, but now here I am! It’s me, Buddy!
WALTER
Susan Welles?! Did you just say Susan Welles? What kind of Christmas gram is this?
BUDDY
What’s a Christmas gram?
WALTER
(whispering)
Deb, we may want to call security.
DEB
(whispering)
I already did.
Buddy leans in.
BUDDY
(whispering)
I like to whisper, too.
EXT. STREET - FIVE MINUTES LATER
TWO SECURITY GUARDS have each of Buddy’s arms and are frog-walking him out the front doors and onto the sidewalk.
BUDDY
My dad runs this whole company! I bet he’s a genius.
SECURITY GUARD #2
Must run in the family.
(they laugh)
I wouldn’t come back for a while if I were you.
BUDDY
Yeah, it seemed like he may need some ’Daddy time.’
(as he’s escorted)
You guys are strong!
SECURITY GUARD #1
Yeah, get lost.
BUDDY
I already am lost!
They throw Buddy’s JINGLED hat at him and walk back inside.
BUDDY
Bye, Glenn. Bye Chris!
Buddy picks up his hat, dusts it off, then looks across the street and sees New York’s version of ELF MECCA
REVEAL
EXT. GIMBELS DEPARTMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS
It’s huge. Full of lights and music, Christmas at its grandest.
BUDDY
(face aglow)
Wow!
Buddy starts skipping across the street toward Gimbels when --
BAM! Buddy’s hit by a CAB! He flies off-screen. This is totally shocking. Traffic stops. And now Buddy comes skipping back into frame.
BUDDY
I’m okay! Thank you!
EXT. GIMBELS - CONTINUOUS
The halls are decked. This is epic. Buddy walks through happy in his Elf suit. A PERFUME CLERK approaches.
PERFUME CLERK
Passion fruit spray?
BUDDY
Fruit Spray? For real?
Buddy opens his mouth and closes his eyes. The clerk just stares at him.
BUDDY
(mouth open)
Ready when you are!
The clerk looks around, then, mildly curious, sprays it i n like Binacca. PSST!
Yuch! Buddy stumbles around blind, scraping his tongue off. About to throw up.
MONTAGE: Buddy Does Gimbels
ESCALATOR
Buddy stops at the edge of an escalator, afraid to get on, like a kid at the edge of a diving board. He’s clogging tons of holiday traffic.
ANGRY MAN
(annoyed)
Are you going or what?
BUDDY
Um, yeah...
Buddy steps forward with one leg. And the escalator yanks him into the splits.
BUDDY
Jiminy Christmas!
PUBLIC BATHROOM
Buddy leaves the stall, then accosts a stranger.
BUDDY
Have you seen this toilet!? It’s GI-NORMOUS!!!
(to another guy)
Look at this toilet!
STORE
Buddy grabs 3,000 candy canes and starts eating them with great intensity.
ELEVATOR
Buddy faces the wrong way in the elevator, face to face with a man.
ANGRY MAN
(about to punch him)
You think you’re pretty smart, huh?
BUDDY
I’m not that smart, but thanks.
LINGERIE SECTION
Buddy sees a display of sexy nighties with a sign over it: For that special someone!
BUDDY
For that special someone? Hmmm...
A HARD-ASS ELF MANAGER walks over.
ELF MANAGER
Man, what in the hell are you doing fartin’ around on the first floor?
BUDDY
Looking at shiny things.
ELF MANAGER
Shiny things?? Get your butt back up to the ninth floor before I put my foot up your green ass.
BUDDY
Okay.
INT. GIMBELS - 9TH FLOOR SANTA LAND - LATER
We PAN a LAME SANTA LAND. It’s not very impressive. Buddy is doing a thorough inspection.
BUDDY
This snow looks fake.
ELF MANAGER
It’s white, ain’t it?
BUDDY
Snow doesn’t just pile up unless it’s moved through the use of a tool, such as a shovel. I would give this some natural erosion, a slight wind drift look.
ELF MANAGER
What the hell are you talkin’ about? EROSION?! Don’t touch the damn snow. What are you smiling at? You think I’m a joke?
BUDDY
Oh, no, I’m just smiling. Smiling is my favorite.
ELF MANAGER
Well take it down a notch.
Buddy tries to frown for a second, but his lips quiver and hurt and now he’s smiling again, making the exact same face.
ELF MANAGER
Alright, smiley, sweep the tin foil off this path. Santa’s going to be here tomorrow.
BUDDY
SANTA?!
(eyes wide)
OH...MY...GOD!!!!
(suddenly skeptical)
Wait. Santa Claus?
ELF MANAGER
Yeah. Where’ve you been?
BUDDY
The North Pole.
ELF MANAGER
Ha. Ha. Start elfing.
(as he leaves)
And don’t touch the snow.
He walks off, looking back, annoyed. Now something grabs Buddy’s full attention.
BUDDY’S POV
SLO-MO - JOVIE DAVIS. 20s, a petite beauty, dressed as an Elf. She glides like a vision to the Christmas tree where she hangs balls from a ladder. Buddy stares up at her.
JOVIE
Are you enjoying the view?
BUDDY
Yes I am! I was standing over there and I thought you looked pretty so I came over to tell you that you look pretty.
JOVIE
Why’re you messin’ with me? Did Krumpet put you up to this?
BUDDY
I’m not messing with you. It’s nice to meet a human who shares my affinity for the Elf culture.
JOVIE
I wouldn’t call it an affinity. I’m just trying to get through the holidays.
BUDDY
Get through? Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!
JOVIE
Well someone’s been drinking the Kool Aid.
(Buddy doesn’t get it)
Believe me, after a few years of this, you’ll learn to tune it all out.
BUDDY
Uh-oh. It sounds like someone needs to sing a Christmas Carol!
JOVIE
(confused)
Are you serious?
BUDDY
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
JOVIE
Well, thanks, but I don’t sing.
BUDDY
Oh, it’s easy! It’s just like talking, only louder and longer and you move it up and down.
JOVIE
Well, I can sing. I just don’t sing. Especially in front of other people. I could never do that.
BUDDY
Never? If you can sing by yourself, you can sing anytime, there’s no difference.
JOVIE
Actually, there’s a big difference.
BUDDY
No there isn’t. Watch.
(suddenly singing loudly)
I’M IN A STORE AND I’M SINGING! PEOPLE ARE HERE AND I’M IN A STORE!!
Everyone looks at him like he’s...well, Elf. Jovie seems a little uncomfortable.
BUDDY
THE STORE IS ALL SHINY AND I’M IN A STORE!!
(then back to normal)
See?
JOVIE
(bewildered)
Wow.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(over loudspeaker)
Attention, Gimbels will be closing in ten minutes. Please make your final purchases.
All the elves look relieved. Their day is over.
J
OVIE
Dismissed.
BUDDY
You’re leaving? But Santa’s coming.
JOVIE
(she laughs at his ’joke’)
Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow, um, what’s your name?
BUDDY
Buddy.
JOVIE
Jovie. See ya.
With that, Jovie walks off. Buddy looks around as the half-baked Santa Land empties out.
QUICK SERIES OF CUTS
The doors being locked, employees exiting, lights flickering off.
A SECURITY GUARD WALKS DOWN AN AISLE
Behind him, Buddy does a commando roll through the aisle. Then pops up next to some toys.
Buddy starts pulling all sorts of things off the shelves: paint, robots, a fire truck...he looks at a logo.
BUDDY
They have Elves in Taiwan?
INT. HOBBS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT
EMILY has prepared a beautiful dinner. She is an attractive, upper East-side woman.
Walter fills a plate. Their son, MICHAEL, 10, eats without enthusiasm, detached.
WALTER
I’m gonna go eat in my den, okay? I’ve got a bunch of stuff to go over.
EMILY
Are you sure?
WALTER
Yeah, I’m way behind on a bunch of stuff.
He goes to kiss her on the forehead, she doesn’t offer it. So he kisses the top of her hair...and now leaves.
MICHAEL
Can I eat in my room?
EMILY
No.
MICHAEL
Why not? Dad’s eating in his den.
(smart ass)
I have a bunch of homework to go over...I’m way behind on a bunch of stuff.
EMILY
You’re eating here.
MICHAEL
Fine. But I’m not going to talk.
EMILY
Yes you are. You’re going to tell me how your day was.
(beat)
How was your day?
Michael stares tight-lipped. This infuriates Emily.
EMILY
(suddenly)
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?!
MICHAEL
It was fine! Okay? Good.
INT. WALTER’S DEN - LATER
Walter is looking at an OLD YEAR BOOK. He studies a picture of a young, beautiful ’Susan Welles.’
EMILY
What’re you looking at?
Walter hides the book.
WALTER
Nothing. It’s for work.
EMILY
You know, it’d be nice if we ate together as a family once in a while.
WALTER
I’m sorry. I’ve gotta work. How do you think I feel? You think I like to work?
EMILY
Actually, I do.
(beat)
I’m really worried about Michael. He’s getting detached and cynical. They’re not supposed to do that until they’re teenagers.
WALTER
Well he is thirteen years old.
EMILY
He’s ten.
(exasperated)
I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’ve just about had it.
WALTER
Had it with what?
That was the wrong answer.
WALTER
Emily. Wait. I’m sorry. I’ve been under a lot of stress at work.
EMILY
If you say the word WORK one more time, you’re sleeping at the Marriot.
WALTER
(a tiny ounce of charm)
The chicken thing was delicious.
EMILY
It wasn’t a chicken thing. It was salmon, zucchini, string beans, carrots, cherry tomatoes, asparagus, mushrooms and olives.
WALTER
Well it was good.
INT. GIMBELS - SANTA LAND - 7 AM
Buddy is finishing his decorating. We pull out wide: No Santa Land has ever looked more beautiful. The most expensive merchandise has been used as bricks and mortar. A huge glitter sign says "WELCOME SANTA! LOVE, BUDDY!!!"
Now, off in the distance, WE HEAR THE FAINT SOUND OF AN ANGEL SINGING.
Buddy perks up, training his ear, he slowly rises to his feet, as if following a butterfly, he meanders through the deserted aisles, more and more hypnotized as the angelic singing gets louder and louder and clearer and more beautiful.
Buddy pushes through the bathroom door, totally consumed by the greatest voice in the world.
REVEAL
Jovie is in the shower stall. Singing half of the classic duet, "BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE". Buddy stands, hypnotized, outside the shower curtain, quietly joins in and sings the accompanying duet to himself. Eventually he can’t help himself and belts out the chorus.
Jovie is silent and quickly twists off the shower and opens the curtain, wearing only a towel.
JOVIE
AHHHHHHHH!!!
BUDDY
AHHHHHHHH!!!
Jovie KICKS BUDDY in the NUTS and escapes. Buddy holds his crotch, confused and frightened.
EXT. GIMBELS - MORNING
A busy Manhattan morning. People are going back to work.
PAN TO
Behind the glass, an idyllic Christmas scene. Buddy is curled up in the faux snow, asleep -- mouth open and drooling, sweaty from the sun.
A MAN SQUINTS
At him through the window amazed at how life-like Buddy is. Buddy itches his crotch, then awakens to the staring man.
BUDDY
Ah! Holy fudge!
Buddy yawns and stretches ridiculously.
BUDDY
Good morning, everyone!
(looking off)
POV
Walter is walking along the sidewalk with his brief case.
BUDDY
Dad!!!
Walter thinks he hears something, but continues. Buddy pounds hard on the window, trapped like a tiger. His voice echoes. Muffled like Dustin Hoffman in THE GRADUATE.
BUDDY
(muted)
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Walter glances over, then stops in his tracks. It’s Buddy. He runs.
INT. LOBBY - LATER
Buddy skips past the security guards with a box. Caught off guard, they have to lunge to grab him.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Hey!
BUDDY
(yelling back; fun)
Hey!!
(beat)
Hi, Glenn. Hi Chris! I just want to give my dad this present. I think he’s mad at me...but he won’t be after THIS.
SECURITY GUARD #1
You better leave that with us.
SECURITY GUARD #2
Yeah, he’s real busy.
BUDDY
Oh, okay. Well, please tell him it’s from me, and that I love him so much and that he’s the greatest Dad in the world and that I love him. Okay?
SECURITY GUARD #1
Okay.
INT. GIMBELS - SANTA LAND - DAY
Buddy re-enters his new, transformed Santa Land. His face glows with satisfaction.
REVEAL
It’s a smash hit. The visitors are ecstatic. ’Look at that!’ ’Can you believe it?’ etc. Everyone loves it. Except the Elf Manager, who complains to a co-worker.
ELF MANAGER
Who the hell took a dump in housewares?
Jovie walks up to Buddy.
JOVIE
Hey. I want to talk to you.
Buddy is now terrified by her.
BUDDY
Oh, uh, um, okay, uh...
(she lets him squirm)
What do you want to talk about?
JOVIE
What the hell do you think?
BUDDY
I know a pig who can run eleven miles an hour.
JOVIE
Why were you in the woman’s locker room?
BUDDY
(sheephish)
I heard you singing.
JOVIE
Singing? Right. I’m sure it had nothing to do with me being naked. I should call the police.
(beat)
What were you doing here so early in the morning?
BUDDY
(re: epic Santa Land)
Making this.
JOVIE
You made this?
BUDDY
Yes...why were you here?
JOVIE
They turned my water off.
(she studies him)
You were standing there with your eyes closed. What is that, some kind of thing you do?
Buddy looks to the floor, and now up and into her eyes.
BUDDY
You have the most beautiful voice in the whole world.
Jovie looks at him, his innocence is contagious.
JOVIE
(sincere, compassionate)
You really were just listening to me, weren’t you?
BUDDY
I’m sorry.
The Elf Manager walks over.
MANAGER
This is Santa Land, not stand-around-and-wear-pointy-ass-shoes land. Get busy. Santa’s here.
BUDDY
SANTA?! Santa is HERE?!
Buddy sees the back of Santa enter a closed off gazebo. Children are already crowded around.
BUDDY
(happier than ever)
SANTA!
Buddy rushes towards Santa through the crowd, his eyes wide, almost breathless with excitement. Quickly he brushes off his uniform and straightens his cap.
BUDDY
Santa, it’s me! Buddy!
Buddy slides the curtain open to reveal: a MAN dressed as Santa. The kids cheer. Buddy’s smile drops.
BUDDY
Who the heck are you?
GIMBELS SANTA
Why, I’m Santa Claus.
BUDDY
Are not!
GIMBELS SANTA
Well, of course I am. Ho Ho Ho!
BUDDY
(furious)
If you’re Santa, then tell me. What song did I sing for your birthday this year?
GIMBELS SANTA
Why you sang, uh, Happy Birthday?
BUDDY
(to the kids)
He’s right.
’Santa’ struts past Buddy and takes his chair.
GIMBELS SANTA
(under his breath)
Why don’t you cool it, zippy.
(to the kids)
Ho Ho Ho!
The voice is wrong, the smell is wrong.
BUDDY
You’re lying! I know it!
Buddy attacks. He grabs Santa’s bear and it comes right off. Buddy looks at the beard in shock, like a horror movie.
BUDDY
(at the beard, horrified)
AAHHHH!!! Imposter! He’s an imposter!!! His beard is fake! Come on, kids, get him!
The kids all pile on, wrestling Santa, loving it. Now the manager dives in and tries to help. Some parents and other elves try to contain the disaster in panic.
Jovie giggles. She is confused but intrigued by this mysterious stranger.
INT. WALTER’S OFFICE - GREENWAY PRESS - DAY
Walter sits behind his desk staring at the note that accompanied the package from Buddy. The package sits on the desk, still wrapped in a Gimbels box. The note says "Dad, this is for you because you are my special someone."
Walter unwraps the gift, then holds up a RED SLINKY NIGHTIE with fur where the nipples would be.
Deb enters and he scrambles to hide the nightie.
DEB
Hey the -- what’s that?
WALTER
What’s what?
(beat)
Intercom!
DEB
Right.
She leaves. Walter looks deeper into the box and sees a card. It’s the old photo of a young Walter next to his smiling girlfriend - on the other side is a crayon drawing of Buddy.
DEB (O.S.)
(from intercom)
Walter, the police are on line one.
WALTER
The police?
(grabbing phone)
Hello? My son? Michael? Is he okay?
(listening)
An Elf? He’s not my -- you know what? Keep him there. I’ll be right down.
Deb peeks in.
DEB
What’s going on?
WALTER
Nothing. I need to go.
(lying)
I need to swing by my apartment real quick...they’re delivering a chair.
DEB
(smart ass)
A police chair?
WALTER
It’s a regular chair. Okay?! Cancel my appointments.
INT. JAIL - DAY
A scary jail cell. Buddy looks around from his cot. Everything is cold and hard and ugly and mean.
And now he STARTS TO CRY. He sticks his face into the pillow and cries hard.
REVEAL
Another convict shares the cell with him. He stares at Buddy with disgust.
But now, slowly, it’s contagious. The CONVICT CAN’T HELP IT AND HE STARTS TO CRY TOO.
Buddy hears the cell door clang open.
REVEAL
Walter stands at the open jail cell door.
BUDDY
Dad!!!
Buddy wipes his tears and rubs his face. Trying to look like a good son.
The convict wipes his tears away too, sitting up straight. But now starts crying again.
EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY
Walter marches out of the front doors, Buddy following closely behind, almost like a puppy dog trying to keep up.
Walter is about to burst but holds back, until they’re clear of the station.
BUDDY
I’m so happy! I knew you’d come! I love that you came and I love you Dad! Know how much I love you?
(spreading his arms wide)
This much. Except my arms would have to be way longer, like pterodactyl wings --
WALTER
Alright, pal. Who the heck are you and what’s your problem?
BUDDY
I’m Buddy. Your son.
WALTER
I already have a son!
BUDDY
Then who am I?
WALTER
Where did you get this picture?!
He holds up the picture he included in the gift.
BUDDY
Papa Elf gave it to me.
Walter shakes Buddy violently by the lapels. Buddy’s scared.
WALTER
Is this some kind of game? What do you want, money?!
BUDDY
I just wanted to meet you...and I thought that, maybe, you might want to meet me...
Walter senses an element of truth in here somewhere.
WALTER
(serious)
You really believe this, don’t you?
BUDDY
I thought we could make ginger bread houses and eat cookie dough and go ice skating and hold hands. I’m sorry if I made you mad.
WALTER
(conflicted)
Come with me.
Their silhouettes walk together away from camera. Buddy REACHES OUT TO HOLD HANDS, but Walter’s hands stay in his trench coat...Buddy is still holding his hand out. Walter suddenly SMACKS BUDDY’S HAND DOWN.
INT. PEDIATRICIAN’S OFFICE - AN HOUR LATER
Buddy sits on the examining table as Walter watches.
PROP NOTE: Del Close’s skull sits on a shelf in the B.G.
Buddy reaches into a jar of cotton balls and starts eating them quickly one at a time. Like cotton candy nuggets.
WALTER
Don’t eat those.
Buddy goes to eat one more, Walter tries to grab his arm but Buddy fakes him out and eats it anyway.
BUDDY
Am I sick?
WALTER
YES.
(beat)
But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to test whether you’re my son or not.
BUDDY
Why am I sitting on paper?
Buddy pulls the roll and paper spills out everywhere. The doctor and Walter try to stop him, but get tangled up.
DOCTOR
So it’s clean for each patient that comes in. Try to sit still. I’m going to perform something called a ’finger prick.’
BUDDY
(happy)
Finger prick!
(to the Doctor)
Can I wear your head lamp?
DOCTOR
No.
BUDDY
Why?
DOCTOR
Just sit still.
BUDDY
Why is there a skeleton on the wall?
DOCTOR
I don’t know but there just is.
BUDDY
What’s his name?
WALTER
He doesn’t have a name!
BUDDY
If I squint, he looks like a pirate flag. Arrgh!
DOCTOR
Walter, I can’t do this if he’s going to keep moving around.
WALTER
I’m sorry Ben. Buddy! Please!
BUDDY
(whispering)
He got mad at me.
WALTER
Buddy the sooner you sit still, the sooner we can clear up this horrible mess.
BUDDY
After this, can we eat sugar plums together?
WALTER
Sure! We’ll eat sugar plums, and make ginger bread houses, and paint eggs!
BUDDY
That’s Easter not -
The Doctor gives Buddy’s finger a tiny prick.
BUDDY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Buddy shoves the doctor over and stumbles around holding his finger and crying.
BUDDY
Boot straps! Snow flickers! Son of a cobbler!
INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER
Buddy holds his finger with a cotton ball for a moment. Then suddenly eats it.
Now he taps his finger and flips it around like it’s dead, then turns to a LITTLE GIRL, 7, who is playing with her doll as her MOTHER fills out paperwork with the nurse.
BUDDY
My finger has a heartbeat.
GIRL
It won’t hurt so much after a little. What’s your name?
BUDDY
Buddy.
GIRL
I’m Carolyn.
BUDDY
And what do you want for Christmas?
CAROLYN
A Suzie-Talks-A-Lot.
BUDDY
I’ll put in a good word with the big man.
CAROLYN
Thanks. Your costume is pretty.
BUDDY
Oh, it’s not a costume. I’m an Elf. Well, I’m a human, technically. But I was raised by Elves.
GIRL
(totally unfazed)
Oh. I’m a human...raised by humans.
BUDDY
Cool.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Walter is waiting for the results.
WALTER
Well?
DOCTOR
Well...
(beat)
It’s a boy.
The blood drains out of Walter’s face.
WALTER
It’s impossible.
(feeling faint)
Is the test ever wrong?
DOCTOR
No.
WALTER
My God. What’m I supposed to do? You saw the guy, he’s certifiably insane!
DOCTOR
Walter, I’ve read about some things that suggest Buddy’s behavior isn’t necessarily that unusual.
WALTER
The man skips.
DOCTOR
It’s rare, but there have been documented cases of people like your son.
WALTER
His name’s BUDDY.
DOCTOR
Well, BUDDY’s been denied a proper childhoood with you. It’s possible he may feel he was never fully nurtured, causing an alternative personality to develop.
WALTER
An Elf.
DOCTOR
Yes.
(beat)
I think he’s trying to return to a position of child-like dependency.
WALTER
So, let’s get him some pills or whatever. I’ll pay for them, it’s not a problem.
DOCTOR
I think what he really needs is you. This is an extreme case. A rejection now could be especially traumatic.
WALTER
So, what do you want me to do, breast feed him?
DOCTOR
What if you let him visit you? Meet the family, that sort of thing. It may help him feel like he’s a part of your life.
(off Walter’s look)
He’s your son Walter, it’s not like he’s going to just go away.
EXT. EMILY’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Emily is leaving work, locking up the door. She turns to find Walter standing there at the bottom of the steps, hands in his pockets, smiling.
EMILY
What are you doing here?
WALTER
I was in the neighborhood. I thought I’d walk you home.
EMILY
You thought you’d walk me home?
They begin to walk together.
WALTER
What, is that so weird?
EMILY
I’ve worked here for four years. You’ve never walked me anywhere.
WALTER
Well it’s a nice night.
EMILY
What’s wrong?
WALTER
Why does something have to be wrong? I just said, it’s a nice night, I mean really!
EMILY
Okay, okay, I’m sorry.
(taking his arm)
Thanks, this is really nice.
On Walter as he walks.
WALTER
Okay, something’s a little wrong.
INT. HOBB’S RESIDENCE - LATER
They’re arriving home.
EMILY
Oh, God...that’s well, it’s...it’s Wonderful Walter. You have a son.
WALTER
Wonderful. That’s one way to put it.
EMILY
Oh c’mon. This is incredible. It may be a little complicated, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.
WALTER
He thinks he’s an Elf.
EMILY
I’m sorry, what?
WALTER
He thinks he’s a Christmas Elf.
EMILY
Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t really think...
Walter swings open the door to the apartment to reveal:
INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
BUDDY HAS BEEN BUSY. The place is a recycled winter wonderland. Yards of old garland has been meticulously strung throughout the apartment. Elaborate construction paper Christmas murals cover the walls. His sense of decorating is impeccable. Emily is floored.
MEANWHILE...in the kitchen, Buddy scoops globs of frosting into his mouth at a furious pace.
WALTER
Buddy?
Buddy looks up, drooling.
WALTER
This is Emily.
EMILY
(muffled, mouth full)
Emuree!
Swallows frosting hard. He jumps up and gives her a big hug.
BUDDY
Walter hasn’t told me anything about you!!!
Meanwhile, Michael, their son, has arrived.
MICHAEL
Why is mom hugging Robin Hood?
INT. DINING ROOM - AN HOUR LATER
Walter, Emily, Michael and Buddy are seated around the dining room table eating spaghetti.
BUDDY
...then I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the castle of the abominable snowman and past the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops. And then I walked through the Lincoln tunnel. Can you pass the Coke pretty please?
Michael hands over a two-liter. Instead of pouring it in his glass, Buddy chugs the entire thing. The family watches, amazed.
EMILY
So, where exactly have you been for the last thirty years?
WALTER
The North Pole. He’s an "Elf". That’s where elves live.
BUDDY
He’s right. Can you pass the maple syrup, pretty please.
EMILY
I’m sorry. I didn’t set out any syrup. It’s spaghetti.
BUDDY
That’s okay, I think I have some...
Buddy pulls some syrup out of his breast pocket and pours it over his spaghetti. Walter and Michael share a disgusted look, the first time they’ve been in agreement on anything in a while.
EMILY
You like sugar, huh?
BUDDY
Is there sugar in syrup?
EMILY
Yes.
BUDDY
Then yes! We Elves try to stick to the four basic food groups: Candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.
EMILY
So, will you be staying with us, then?
WALTER
Emily.
BUDDY
You mean I can stay?
WALTER
Emily!
EMILY
Oh, don’t be silly. Of course you can. How long do you think you’ll be with us?
BUDDY
Well, I hadn’t really planned it out, but I was thinking, like, forever?
WALTER
EMILY!?
EMILY
WHAT?!
WALTER
May I speak with you in the kitchen for a moment?
EMILY
Um, sure. Excuse me, Buddy.
Left alone, Buddy stares at Michael. Michael ignores him. Turning his whole chair away. Buddy looks around for a moment. And now suddenly BURPS so loud and long, it’s insane.
BUDDY
Wow, did you hear that?
Yes, Michael did...
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Walter argues with Emily in hushed tones.
WALTER
Are you crazy? He can’t stay here.
EMILY
Clearly he has some serious issues. We can’t just kick him out in the snow.
WALTER
Why not? He loves the snow! He told me fifteen times!
EMILY
Seriously Walter! He’s alone in New York. What’s he supposed to do?
WALTER
That’s his problem.
EMILY
He’s your son. That means it’s our problem.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Buddy and Michael sit in silence. Buddy isn’t sure what to say.
BUDDY
I love you.
MICHAEL
Eat me.
BUDDY
Eat you? OKAY!
(playing, like the jungle)
I’m a Lion! Roar! CHOMP!
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Buddy is on the living room couch. Walter is tucking him in, trying to leave.
BUDDY
Goodnight, Dad.
WALTER
Goodnight.
BUDDY
Tuck me in?
WALTER
What?!
BUDDY
I can’t fall asleep if I’m not tucked in.
WALTER
I’m not tucking you in!
BUDDY
I promise I’ll go right to sleep.
WALTER
(reluctantly)
Fine...
BUDDY
TICKLE FIGHT!!!
Walter fights him off, pissed.
WALTER
No. Buddy. Stop!
BUDDY
Sorry.
WALTER
Just lay down and go to sleep, okay?
BUDDY
Do you want to hear a story?
WALTER
No. When this light goes off, you are not getting up. Understand?
BUDDY
Understand.
(Walter flicks off light)
Dad?
(flicks light on)
WALTER
What?
BUDDY
I love you.
WALTER
Go to sleep.
BUDDY
Do you love me?
WALTER
Yeah sure. Now go to sleep.
BUDDY
How much do you love me. Like on a scale from one to ten?
WALTER
Well, I haven’t known you for very long, but I would say my feelings are...significant.
BUDDY
(to himself; satisfied)
Significant
WALTER
Good night.
The lights go out for the last time. Walter closes the door and Buddy is alone in the DARK.
BUDDY
(in the dark)
Dad.
(long beat)
Dad?
(long beat)
DAD?
(long beat)
DAD?!
(longer beat)
DAD!!!!
The door suddenly swings open and light shoots into the room.
WALTER
WHAT!!!
BUDDY
Hi.
Walter slams the door. It’s dark again.
BUDDY
Dad?
INT. HOBBS’ KITCHEN - MORNING
Buddy has prepared a huge batch of spaghetti. The table is set up like a deranged thanksgiving feast. Buddy, the host, hurries around the kitchen as Emily eats.
EMILY
This sure is something, I’m usually the one making breakfast.
BUDDY
Want some more spaghetti?
EMILY
Um, sure, why not.
Buddy dumps more spaghetti on her plate. Then sprinkles it with candy snow caps.
EMILY
So how’d you sleep last night?
BUDDY
Great. I got a full forty minutes and still had time to build a rocking horse.
We see a painted and trimmed rocking horse in the corner.
EMILY
My gosh, you built that? Where did you get the wood?
WALTER (O.S.)
Why is the TV on the ground?
REVEAL:
The ENTERTAINMENT CENTER has been completely dismantled to provide wood for the rocking horse. Sawdust and paint litter the living room.
Walter walks into the kitchen, flabbergasted.
EMILY
Good morning, honey.
(she kisses her husband)
Buddy made us breakfast, isn’t that nice?
Walter looks at the...spaghetti. So many things to say, but no place to begin.
EMILY
He packed us lunches too.
REVEAL:
THREE BAGS of spaghetti have each person’s name written in calligraphy.
EMILY
Well, I gotta run. Thanks for breakfast, Buddy.
(grabbing her bag)
And the lunch!
She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.
BUDDY
Bye Emily!
Buddy takes a huge spoon and lifts three pounds of spaghetti into frame.
BUDDY
(to Walter)
So, how many scoops?
WALTER
I’m going to stick with coffee for now.
Now MICHAEL ENTERS. He doesn’t care to notice the weird food.
MICHAEL
(to Walter, awkward)
I need my allowance.
WALTER
(awkward)
Did you do the recycling?
MICHAEL
Yeah, I did, okay?
Walter peels off a twenty and Michael immediately shoves it into his pocket.
BUDDY
How come you guys don’t hug? We always hug in the morning.
WALTER
(lying)
We hugged earlier.
MICHAEL
(partner in crime)
Yeah, we hugged already. Bye.
BUDDY
Bye!
Walter and Buddy are now alone.
WALTER
Listen, Buddy, I wanted to talk to you.
BUDDY
Good, I wanted to talk to you too. I’ve planned our whole day...
He’s made a list on the Etch-a-sketch.
BUDDY
First we make snow angels for two hours, then we go ice-skating and then we eat a log of toll house cookie dough as fast as we can and then, to wrap up the day, we snuggle.
WALTER
Buddy, I have to go to work.
(beat)
And another thing, if you’re going to be staying here, you should think about getting rid of the costume. We’ve got neighbors and people around here, you know?
BUDDY
(looking at himself)
I’ve worn this my whole life.
WALTER
Yeah, well, you’re not in the North Pole anymore.
Buddy is unsure.
WALTER
You said you wanted to make me happy, didn’t you?
BUDDY
More than anything.
WALTER
Then lose the tights...as soon as possible.
BUDDY
As soon as possible?
WALTER
As soon as possible.
BUDDY
(sighing)
Yes, papa.
Walter turns and faces camera, pouring coffee. Behind him, Buddy TAKES HIS GREEN TIGHTS OFF and stands there NAKED from the waist down. (The audience is spared the details).
From the rear, Emily re-enters the kitchen and sees Buddy from behind.
EMILY
I almost forg --- AHHHHH!!!!!!
Walter spills his coffee and turns to see Buddy from the front.
WALTER
AHHHHHHH!!!!
BUDDY
(as if it’s a game)
AHHHHH!!!!
EXT. MANHATTAN - LATER
Walking to work, Walter answers his cell phone.
WALTER
(answering his cell)
Walter Hobbs.
BUDDY (O.S.)
(from phone)
It worked! It’s you!
We intercut Buddy at home, he’s shocked by the technology.
WALTER
How’d you get this number?
BUDDY
Emily left an emergency list.
WALTER
Is there an emergency?
BUDDY
There’s a horrible sound coming from the evil box by the window! It sounds like this: ERIEKKKCTH!
Walter’s ear is trashed before he can pull the phone away.
WALTER
It’s not evil. It’s the radiator. The heat makes noise when it comes on.
BUDDY
No it’s not. Wait yes it is, you were right. Everything’s fine!
WALTER
I’m hanging up now.
BUDDY
Okay, I love you, I’ll call you in five minutes, I love you!
WALTER
You don’t need to call me, Buddy, okay?
BUDDY
Good idea. You call me.
WALTER
Okay, I’m hanging up.
BUDDY
I have a present for you when you get home!
WALTER
I’m hanging up.
BUDDY
I love you!
EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE PRIVATE SCHOOL - LATER
Dozens of kids stream out of school.
Michael is in the middle of the crowd when he hears his name from across the street.
BUDDY (O.S.)
MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
He looks over and sees Buddy cutting through traffic.
MICHAEL
(turns away in embarrassment)
Oh man.
BUDDY
It’s me, your brother! Hey, Michael!
Kids start to notice and begin laughing, Michael can’t bare it. Michael walks away, ignoring Buddy.
BUDDY
Michael! Wait up!
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - LATER
Michael is walking through the park, Buddy trails twelve feet behind, sort of hiding behind trees. But not really.
Michael finally turns and confronts him.
MICHAEL
LEAVE!
BUDDY
How about I leave, then you count to ten and come find me?
MICHAEL
This isn’t a game, spaz. Leave NOW. For REAL.
BUDDY
You really want me to leave
MICHAEL
Yes.
BUDDY
(sad)
Oh. Okay. I’ll uh, leave, then. I’m sorry.
Just then, a SNOWBALL WHACKS MICHAEL IN THE SHOULDER.
EDGE OF THE RAVINE
A big bunch of JACKASS WANNA-BE teenagers look down at them and laugh.
MICHAEL
Oh, no. These guy are bad news. We better get out of here.
Thump! Michael gets hit in the head.
BUDDY
Ow! PEANUT BRITTLE! SON OF A NUTCRACKER!
Now a barrage of snowballs rain down upon them and they dive behind a fallen tree trunk as snow missiles rip into the barricade.
BUDDY
Dive!
MICHAEL
(genuinely worried)
There are too many of them!
BUDDY
We can do this! Make as many snowballs as you can!
Michael quickly sculpts two snowballs.
WE PAN BACK
To see Buddy has already rounded out a pile of THIRTY.
BUDDY
Ready?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
WIDE SHOT
We can’t see Buddy, but we can see the snowballs shooting out of his bunker like a machine gun. A Nolan Ryan fastball ever 1.5 Seconds.
A series of targets explode with precision as this blur of snowballs hits guts, butts, nuts and faces. A kid raises a snowball and it immediately explodes out of his hand. This is the one thing Buddy’s actually better at than hockey.
Michael stands to launch one. Exposing himself.
BUDDY
Noooo!
Michael is frozen with shock as a HUGE KID winds up and releases a snowball right at him. Buddy fires a snowball that hits the incoming snowball exploding both of them in mid-air like a patriot missile. They both sit panting.
BUDDY
He’s bunkered in! I’m going to flank around from the East. If I don’t make it, tell my Dad I love him.
Buddy jumps and charges - and now Michael follows. Buddy descends upon the guy, launching a flurry of snow. The guy finally raises his arms and steps up slowly in surrender.
Buddy looks at the GUY WITH HIS ARMS UP, then winds up and explodes a snowball off his chest at close range.
SNOWBALL GUY
Ow!
(holding his chest)
Hey, I surrendered!
BUDDY
(to Michael)
What does surrendered mean?
INT. WALTER’S OFFICE - LATER
Walter does some paperwork, then hits the intercom.
WALTER
Can you bring me in a bottle of water please?
DEB (O.S.)
(from the intercom)
Fulton Greenway is on his way in.
Fulton Greenway? Walter immediately loses blood in his face.
WALTER
Fulton Greenway? Why didn’t you tell me?
DEB (O.S.)
He just showed up. What size water?
WALTER
When’s he coming in?
DEB (O.S.)
Now.
WALTER
What do you mean now?
Walter buttons his suit and checks his reflection for nose hairs.
DEB (O.S.)
I mean now. What size?
FULTON GREENWAY (O.S.)
Hobbs!
FULTON GREENWAY, the cut-throat looking owner of the company enters the office. This guy owns Greenway Press, among other things.
WALTER
Fulton! What a great surprise!
FULTON GREENWAY
I haven’t seen you since the retreat. You’re looking good.
WALTER
Thanks, you too. So, to what do I owe the pleasure?
FULTON GREENWAY
Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece.
WALTER
Your niece. I don’t think I’ve met her.
FULTON GREENWAY
She’s six.
Fulton tosses ’THE PUPPY AND THE PIGEON (the flawed book from earlier) onto Walter’s desk. Uh oh.
FULTON GREENWAY
She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch.
WALTER
Believe me, we’ve already started looking at new printers. This one’s obviously gotten sloppy.
Greenway holds up the proofs, signed by Walter.
FULTON GREENWAY
Maybe it isn’t the printer who’s gotten sloppy.
WALTER
(forcing a laugh)
What a disaster, huh? Twenty-five years in publishing, never seen anything like it. Well, I guess you can’t bat a thousand, right?
Fulton Greenway nods skeptically. Walter adjusts in his seat.
FULTON GREENWAY
I got news for you, even if those two pages were in there, that book still would have sucked. I read it. I’ll tell you, I wish all the pages were missing.
(Walter’s dying)
Have you seen the numbers from this quarter?
WALTER
They should be coming in today.
FULTON GREENWAY
(holds up the numbers)
They’re in!
WALTER
That good, huh?
FULTON GREENWAY
The Pigeon and the Friggin’ Puppy is tanking hard, Hobbs. My people estimate we’ll be posting a minus eight for this quarter. A minus eight cannot happen.
WALTER
Well, we’ll bounce back. We always do.
FULTON GREENWAY
We’re not going to ’bounce back.’ We’re going to get a new book before the end of the quarter.
WALTER
Before the end of this quarter?
FULTON GREENWAY
I’ll be back in town on the twenty fourth. At that time, I’d love to hear, in great detail, exactly what your plans are for this new book.
WALTER
But that’s Christmas Eve.
FULTON GREENWAY
And?
WALTER
Hey, no problem. It’ll be fun to have you in the loop.
INT. GIMBELS - LATER THAT DAY
Buddy and Michael are goofing around inside Gimbels. Buddy pegs him with a dodge ball. Michael laughs and pegs him back.
MICHAEL
(looking at toy bugs)
Hey, look at this, it’s a big mosquito!
BUDDY
What’s a mosquito?
MICHAEL
They land on your arm, then stick their needle face down through your skin, suck your blood out and then fly away.
BUDDY
That’s a scary toy.
MICHAEL
It’s not just a toy. They’re real. They’re everywhere in the summer.
BUDDY
(horrified)
OH MY GOD.
EXT. GIMBELS - CONTINUOUS
They leave the toy section and walk toward the SANTA LAND that Buddy built. We see the sign has been awkwardly changed to ’Welcome, Santa. Love GIMBELS.’
BUDDY
I wish Dad were here.
MICHAEL
Why?
BUDDY
He’s the greatest Dad in the world.
MICHAEL
Are you kidding? He’s the worst dad in the world.
BUDDY
What do you mean?
MICHAEL
All he does is work.
BUDDY
Working is fun.
MICHAEL
Not the way he does it. All he cares about is the money. He doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t care about anybody.
BUDDY
Well, he is on the naughty list.
AND NOW WE SPOT JOVIE
From a distance. She looked adorable before, but this time we’re serious.
MICHAEL
You like her?
BUDDY
Like who?
MICHAEL
The girl you’re staring at.
BUDDY
Um, yes.
MICHAEL
Why don’t you ask her out?
BUDDY
Out to where?
MEANWHILE
Jovie has spotted Buddy. She gives him a shy wave. And now she’s WALKING OVER to them.
BUDDY
(flipping out)
We should leave. I need to leave.
MICHAEL
Don’t leave! Ask her out!
BUDDY
Out?
MICHAEL
On a date, you know, to eat food.
BUDDY
(Jovie’s almost there)
Food.
MICHAEL
(whispering)
If she says yes, you’re in. It’s like a secret code girls have.
JOVIE
Well look who it is.
BUDDY
Hi Jovie. This is --
Michael has ditched out. Buddy is on his own.
BUDDY
...that’s my brother, Michael, over there.
JOVIE
I was wondering if I’d ever see you again. So, did Gimbels give you your job back?
BUDDY
No, but it worked out pretty good. They gave me a restraining order.
JOVIE
You really should get out of here.
BUDDY
But I really wanted to see you. You’re beautiful and I feel warm when I’m around you. You make my tongue swell up.
Jovie is embarrassed.
JOVIE
You are the weirdest guy I’ve ever met in my life.
BUDDY
Weird, like, good?
JOVIE
(smiling)
I haven’t decided.
BUDDY
So, do you want to eat food?
JOVIE
Do I want to eat food?
BUDDY
You know...
(winking)
The code...
JOVIE
(letting that slide)
I just took my lunch break.
BUDDY
(defeated)
Oh, right. I follow.
JOVIE
(then)
But I’m free Thursday night.
A wry smile slowly breaks across Buddy’s face. And then he suddenly explodes.
BUDDY
(celebrating; ridiculous)
YYEEESSSSSSSSS!
INT. HOBBS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Walter enters and sees Buddy and Michael as they hoist an enormous FOURTEEN FOOT TALL CHRISTMAS TREE into the corner. It scrapes the ceiling as they wedge it in place.
WALTER
What the hell is that?
MICHAEL
A Christmas tree!
WALTER
A Christmas tree?
MICHAEL
Buddy chopped it down in the park!
Buddy smiles at Walter, Walter does not smile back.
INT. WALTER AND EMILY’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Michael and Emily are having a heated discussion.
EMILY
I don’t know what you’re so worked up about. They’re just having a little fun.
WALTER
Fun? Felonies are fun now? I thought felonies were felonies?
EMILY
Okay, the tree thing was bad. We’ll have to plant another one. But at least
Michael’s happy for once.
(beat)
It’s amazing what a little attention will do.
WALTER
What’s that supposed to mean?
EMILY
Well, you haven’t exactly been there for him lately. He’s a kid Walter, he’s not going to raise himself.
WALTER
Oh! So let’s allow a deranged Elf-man to raise him. Great idea! Maybe we should pull Michael out of school so they can commit felonies full time!
EMILY
I think you’re jealous.
WALTER
Jealous? Of Buddy? The man is wearing tights.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MEANWHILE
Buddy uses a drill to secure the trunk to the floor. ZZZZRRrrrr. He then stands at a distance. Like a high jumper, holding a star for the top of the tree in hand.
POV
He eyes a mini-trampoline. Then the top of the tree. And now looks at the star in his hand. This has bad news written all over it.
MICHAEL
Are you sure about this? Maybe we can get a ladder.
BUDDY
A ladder? What’s fun about a ladder?
(concentrating)
Ready?
(taking off)
WATCH!!!!
Buddy runs, hits the trampoline, launches himself way off target, shooting a sharp angle into the nearest wall. BAM! HE falls behind the couch and out of sight.
BUDDY (O.S.)
I’m okay.
(then)
I found a quarter!
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
WALTER
What was that noise?
EMILY
Sounded like Buddy slamming into the wall and falling behind the couch.
WALTER
That guy’s a liability. There’s no way we’re leaving him alone here tomorrow. He’ll trash the place. Maybe you should take tomorrow off and, you know, watch him.
EMILY
I can’t just take off work. I’m going upstate tomorrow for budget meetings.
WALTER
Well I can’t stay home. I’m one bad pitch away from getting fired.
EMILY
Why don’t you take him to work with you?
WALTER
Take him to work with me?
EMILY
Yeah, I bet he’d like it.
WALTER
Absolutely never.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. WALTER’S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY
The ELEVATOR DOOR DINGS open to reveal Walter & Buddy. Buddy sports a new suit. He looks ever bit the professional as he enters with his father.
CO-WORKER
Hey, Walter.
WALTER
Hey, Jack.
BUDDY
Hello, Jack!
Another co-worker, #2, nods hello.
WALTER
Hey, Sarah.
BUDDY
Hi, Sarah. I love that purple dress. It’s purplie.
CO-WORKER #3
How’s it going, Walter?